Wait, beloved.

“A woman’s heart should be so lost in God, that a man has to seek Him to find her.”

 How many of us modern day women find ourselves hungry for love, even if apparently surrounded by it? We may have friends, family, significant others, children, pets who all love us, but it never seems to quite fill us. There are still moments that we feel unloved, even unloveable, and nothing of this world can ever fully make us whole. Maybe it never will. Maybe there’s a reason for that. After all, if we were absolutely fulfilled and whole through earthly things and people, what reason would we ever have to seek Him?

When God made man and woman in His image, woman were made in the relational, emotional side of Him. A woman’s heart was made to seek love, to be loved. At the core of a woman’s heart, she wants to be delighted in, found beautiful, found captivating. A woman’s heart mirrors the desire God’s heart has towards us, to be wanted, to be loved, to be pursued. Unfortunately, due to the Fall, Eve and her daughters were sentenced to loneliness and relational heartache. We desire romance and beauty, but since our lives aren’t ACTUALLY like that,we feel wrong for it. God made us that way, because He actually wants that for us, so why not ask, and trust Him to provide just that? My biggest problem is fear of abandonment, of being alone, of never finding the one who is meant for me, of never having a family. Through this I’m being taught patience and trust.

I know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed with heart hunger. And I know what it’s like to look in all the wrong places and never find what you’re looking for. I know what it’s like to careen from relationship to relationship searching for meaning and substance. When my borderline personality was strongest, I had given myself away, emotionally and physically both, in order to feel wanted, visible, loveable. When I finally allowed myself to be still long enough to hear what Jesus was trying to tell me, this is what I heard:

This is the last night you’ll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I’m everywhere you want me to be
The last night you’ll spend alone
I’ll wrap you in my arms and I won’t let go
I’m everything you need me to be
The last night away from me
(“The Last Night” -Skillet)

What I’m learning and working to focus on, is to immerse my heart in the love of my Father, to trust with blind faith that He has a plan for me, a plan for the abundant life He promises. The only way to be whole, and entirely content and satisfied is to be whole in Christ, all the rest is just extra. Our relationship with the One who will never leave us, will never let us go, will never disappoint us or let us down… is the greatest love story we will ever know. So I’m taking a backseat, I’m letting Jesus take the wheel. He is preparing someone for me, but either he or I are not yet ready for each other. More growth needs to take place, lessons need to be learned… but in time. In God’s time, the elusive love of my life will find me, and when He does, Christ will remain at the center, making unconditional, redemptive, consuming love possible.

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Categories: Spirituality and Faith | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Wait, beloved.

  1. M

    Jana,

    I’m spechless at your post, It truly touch my heart, just yesterday I was saying I’m so tired to look in all the wrong places, but you said it perfectly, I must say I feel very moved by the way you say all this, the way God talked to you.

    Thanks so much for sharing.

    Like

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