I’ve learned that words can be incredibly destructive weapons. Words can destroy. I don’t know if people don’t realize this, or worse, they do realize it and they purposely use their words as well-placed blows to the heart, without comprehending the consequences. Personally, I’m sure I don’t remember most of the scrapes and scars my body has received in 24 years, but I can tell you exactly where I was standing when some awful things were said to me, even back to when I was less than 10 years old, and I remember the hurtful comments word for word. These things become ghosts that come back to haunt me, over and over again.
Sometimes I really wonder if the human heart can get to a point where it just can’t take anymore.. if it can break to the point where it can’t be put back together. I’ve always been the kind of person that chooses to see the best in people, but lately I’m just tired. Emotionally, mentally.. I’m TIRED, and it just takes too much effort to look for the best in everyone right now. It may be someone I don’t even know that I’m serving at work, who is utterly rude to me for no reason, or it can be a guy I’m dating, who uses a cruel excuse to walk away instead of owning up to his own cowardice, or even a well-meant criticism from a parent that comes out completely wrong.. Even if I know it’s not true, it still stings, still resonates in my memory, and still makes me doubt and second guess myself at times.
I know I’m just sounding dramatic right now, I know I should just keep my head held high, stay positive, have hope… But I need a break. A person can’t be strong 100% of the time. This isn’t self-pity really, it’s more like.. a feeling of sadness. I’m just disappointed in humanity lately. I’m finding it hard to believe that people are inherently good anymore. I look around and just feel sadness. I truly am feeling a lack of belonging, which is actually deep within each of us though most people can’t quite put their finger on what it means. We were created for a better world, for a world of peace and joy and unconditional love. But due to the Fall, we are all left with a hole in our heart and this world will never be enough. We will never find true absolute happiness and peace here. I’m not suicidal by ANY means, but sometimes I just ask God if He can call me home soon because I don’t really feel like I have anything left to give. I feel like I’m running on empty, like I’m at the point where I’m like a dog that’s been kicked so many times it just expects rejection.
Obviously I need to grow thicker skin. That’s why we’re here, to grow, to get stronger, to learn… Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself… After all, I suppose the voices running through my mind are nothing compared to victims of intense adolescent bullying, which is a whole ‘nother story and has become a serious issue in schools nationwide, leading increasingly more kids to suicide…. but just speaking for myself, those words meant to sting don’t easily quit their assignment. A broken bone will heal after a couple months, but injuries of the heart are far more complicated, they leave deep unseen wounds that can not only take months to heal, but even decades, or a lifetime..
We need to be careful what we say, and moreso, how we say it. It may sound cliche, but if we don’t have anything good to say, don’t say it at all. We can’t take back words, once they leave our lips they’re out there forever. Let’s not speak out of anger, or impulse. Let’s use our voice to lift each other up. And today, I pray that God close my ears to anything not aligned with His truths, and that He restore my heart and bring an end to this “tired” feeling I have with a renewed sense of hope and energy.