It’s nearly dawn, and yet I am still awake. This has been a recurring theme lately. My spirit feels restless, active. Even though my body and eyes are tired and I know I need to go to sleep, sleep escapes me.
After work tonight I came home, turned on the computer, and pulled up a blank Microsoft Word document. I needed to write my “support request letter,” as I’ve been calling it, for my 2 missions trips this year, to the Amazon and to Haiti. Before I even started typing, I sent a prayer up to God that he write this letter in His words, and gave him authority over my typing fingers. At one point in the middle of my draft, I felt overcome with a sense of joy from within… it felt like I wanted to cry tears out of this joy, but this somehow went deeper than tears. It felt as if my heart was weeping. I can only describe this feeling as that it felt as if I was being embraced by the Holy Spirit from my very core. And my joy multiplied when I realized this feeling was not only a gift, but an answered prayer. I’ve been praying for confirmation and I know a mentor of mine and sister in Christ also mentioned that she would pray for confirmation for me. This brought tremendous thankfulness in my heart, realizing that I have been praying for God to align my will with His, that His will be done in my life, not my own. Ever single night in my prayers I say, “..where you go I’ll go, where you lead I’ll follow,” and I thank Him for His promise that He goes ahead of us always. The second part of my prayer has been confirmation from Him when I am on the right path, when I am abiding in Him and His will… and tonight, out of His kindness, He wanted me to know that He was pleased with me writing this letter, with me going on these 2 trips. I ask Him to forgive my doubt of the last few days, for John says, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us-whatever we ask-we know that we have what we asked of Him.” (1 John 5:14-15)
After finishing my letter and making sure I saved everything, Erica and I took a post-midnight food run, and while in the car I felt God drive His point home and say, “Just wait and see all the abundance I will give you, when you reside in My will.” What comfort I take in that tonight.
After some delicious, feel-good, high calorie food….I retired to my room, shut the door, and as the dogs curled up in their chosen resting places of the night, I read about 50 pages of a book I’m working my way through, “Walking with God” by John Eldredge (one of my favorite authors), and when I felt an inner sense of calm focus, free of my previous anxious excitement, I closed my eyes, became conscious of my breathing, and quieted the inner chatter in order to spend a few minutes alone with my Father. I started with my usual routine: Lord, I bring Your authority and the full weight of the cross against anything blocking me from You, anything blocking me from hearing You. I pray against the theif of joy in my life and the lives of those I love. Spirits of Oppression and Doubt, I feel you here tonight, and in the name of Jesus Christ, leave me…you are not welcome here. As I began to feel a weight lift off of me, and began to sense things move in the spiritual realm so that my connection to Jesus feels more clear, I continue… Jesus I thank You again for Your sacrifice, and I cleanse my body, mind, and heart with Your blood. I sanctify my life and my thoughts in Your authority……
Anyway, I prayed for a few specific things, pausing in between each thought to ask God what I needed to pray for next, and then doing so… I decided to ask His thoughts on a couple things tonight. I asked Him, “Lord, how do I think I’m doing? Lord, how do You think I’m doing?” I got this idea from the book I was reading…asking both questions, so that God can first point out the lies I’ve made agreements with, then point out the antidote-the truth, showing the difference between the two. We don’t always hear the answer right away, sometimes we need to sit with it, and sometimes we need to change the question, ask it a different way. After sitting for a few minutes, eyes closed, keeping my mind as clear as possible, asking God, “How do I think I’m doing?” a phrase began to form. I could feel the Spirit answer me, and then find the words to put to the answer, and I got the word “failing” and within a few moments, the whole phrase, “failing through insignificance.” I don’t know if I’ve thought about it quite that way before, but it’s dead on. It’s the lie I have accepted for as long as I can remember. Then I sat for a bit longer on, “Lord, how do You think I’m doing?” It took a while to hear this one.. maybe partially because when I did, my first thought was that it couldn’t possibly be true. …I heard “blooming.” Blooming? What does that mean? What is blooming, God? You. Ohhhh…..wow, You really think that? As a flower blooms after a harsh winter, so are you blooming out of brokenness.
My soul soared.
The other question I wanted to ask tonight, was, “God, who am I to You? What is my name? What do You think of me?” Beauty. My Beauty and My Delight.
My heart continues to weep. Joy, love, tenderness…is what I have been given tonight.
I should have turned over and gone to sleep at that point, but instead I wanted to write about my night. A few hours ago I sat here, on my blog with a ‘new post’ page open, with some ideas but no words to put to them. Well, I’m trying to get in the habit of asking God before I do things, because if it’s truly His will I seek to do, and not my own, why wouldn’t I ask? Father, do you want me to share my experience with You tonight, or keep it to myself? Share it. But God, people may read this and think I’ve lost my mind…many people are not even aware that this type of conversation with You is possible. You asked Me to use you as a vessel to show others My love. Share it. But God, I will be criticized, laughed at… It is not your job to convince them. Okay, okay, I got it…
The morning light of a new day is now shining in-between the blinds over my bedroom windows…. Sheesh, one of these days I really need to get my sleeping pattern turned around!