“I Am.”

With every trial we endure, we gain more strength; with every challenge we face, we gain more courage; with every life experience, we learn more about who we are; with every emotion we let ourselves feel, our wounds begin to heal; and with every scar we bear, the true story of our survival shows.

It’s been a rough few weeks. Lots to do at work, lots to catch up on with my 2 classes crammed into 5 weeks for a Christian Life Coaching certificate. Tired. Mentally moreso than physically. Haven’t seen my horses in 2 and 1/2 weeks. These new opportunities and the new job is so great and I’m grateful. It’s just something to get used to. After a few weeks, this will all just be normal  and I’ll be able to accomplish everything I’m doing even more quickly.

Last night I was just feeling overwhelmed, stressed, frustrated. I was desperately pulling myself together, because it was not an option to break down, though I was already being pulled into the process… I think it was a lot of things catching up to me. Lately I’ve felt more insecure and have had some thoughts that haven’t entered my mind for 2 years.  I know this is just Satan trying to tear me down, because I am also closer to God than I have ever been in my life. Knowing this is just an attack by the enemy doesn’t automatically make it easier. Awareness certainly is necessary but it doesn’t immediately erase the negative.

I stepped out into the fresh air, attempting to quickly steal back my peace of mind through a few deep breaths next to the restaurant’s dumpster with a partial parking lot and patch of blue sky in view. In my mind, I called out to God, “HELP ME!! Give me strength! I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now but this job is important and I’m being ridiculous! HELP!” After a few lines of that, I felt a silent “I am” in my heart. I don’t know if this was supposed to mean ‘I am helping you,’ or if it was solely meant to remind me of His Presence, as said in Revelation 1:8 “I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, which is, was, and is to come.” Either way, I figured I made it up, and mentally called out, “You are?? How are you helping me right now? I’m still standing here, tiptoeing across the edge of insecurity and self-defeat. How is this helping me???!”

At that moment I looked skyward and observed as 2 planes overhead were about to cross paths from different directions. I could almost immediately tell what shape the 2 lines of white jet plane exhaust was forming. Before my eyes a perfect cross formed in the sky above, lasting for a few seconds before fading away.

This didn’t make everything suddenly better, it didn’t resolve anything, or take the stress away, but it did to one thing. It was a message. “I hear you.” “I’m listening.” It brought back the words of the song that touched my heart a few nights before… “I hear you, I feel you, you’re not invisible to Me.” While this didn’t suddenly make everything better, it did remind me that no matter how screwed up things can get, or impossible things may seem, I’m held in the hands of One who has it alllll under control. One who knows how this will all work out, and who has a far better plan for my life than I could even imagine for myself.

every race you run in life finish strong; every dream you go after pursue with passion; every battle you fight, fight with the intention of winning; every step you take down each road, walk with a purpose; every page you turn, close out old chapters and write your own happily ever after; and every piece of your life you put back together, build and create something even more beautiful then before.

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