I’ve been in this weird funk lately. I’m just not okay. I feel like a robot going through the motions of this life, wondering if this is all there is to it or if there actually is more? Is there more than every temporary high while on this earth? On one hand some argue that we were never promised good in this lifetime. But on the other hand, you can also argue that, while we were told to expect trials and tribulations, Jesus did come for us to have an abundant life here too. Not just in heaven.
I don’t know what I believe on that issue anymore. I want to believe that Jesus came for us to have abundant life NOW, but then I just don’t have anything left in me to get my hopes up about things, or to expect anything good. I can’t believe how pessimistic and cynical I’ve become. It doesn’t feel very good. But then again, being on an emotional rollercoaster of the endless cycle of hope and disappointment doesn’t feel all that good either. And I got to the point where I literally don’t think I can handle that ride anymore. So intead, I’m robotically walking through my days, praying for the strength to take each step in this mundane, petty life.
I honestly don’t know how people make it without Jesus. People who don’t believe in God, atheists, how do they make it? This world is full of misery and pain and if you have no hope in anything MORE, how do you survive? How do you get up each day? I’m in awe. I do have Jesus and sometimes I go through valleys such as this where I still don’t see the point.
In “The Redeemer” by Sanctus Real, they sing, “I’m still a dreamer, a believer, oh I’ve lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You.” How true this is. I am still a dreamer. But it’s a dream beyond this mortal lifetime. And I’ve lost my faith in everything BUT Him. I know God is good. I know He is with me. I hold tight to His promise that one day He will make all things right. People may be made in His image, but I don’t have any faith left in us. In anyone. I don’t have any faith in our economy, politicians, nature….
I feel like a robot.
One step at a time.
My weary heart stays alive hoping that Jesus is using me for something, for glory to His Kingdom beyond what my physical eyes can see.
I’m just going through the motions until the day I can see Him face to face. The only thing, the only One, I have any belief in anymore.