I’ll be okay even on my weakest days

“Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain, but I, brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face…”

“I’m done hoping that we can work it out, I’m done with how it feels, spinnin’ my wheels, lettin’ you drag my heart around. I’m done thinkin’ you could ever change. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay, even on my weakest days. I’m gettin’ a little bit stronger.” -Sara Evans, “A Little Bit Stronger”

It’s so weird how one can just up and move across the country, but not feel the weight of the loneliness until over a year later. I guess maybe there’s a high in the adventure, in the newness of it all. But eventually, just like everything else, that wears off. Or maybe it has nothing to do with being near or far from parents and old friends, maybe it’s just the weight of the world, life catching up.

We weren’t made for this world. We were made for more, for heaven. Is that really all this is? Does everyone have this pain inside, this hurt, the empty ache? ..and most humans just either don’t even know it or are really good at hiding it? Maybe the people that do realize this hole inside chase around filling it with drugs, alcohol, promiscuity…anything. That’s true, isn’t it?

I don’ t have the energy to run around trying to fill it anymore. Actually, been there done that. It didn’t work. I don’t want to spend my life careening back and forth to and from every temporary fix. Is the only alternative sitting in the pain? I mean, there’s gotta be more, right? Jesus came so we could have abundant life, in this lifetime too, right? Or is it just in this lifetime for some people? Other people?

Jesus came to give hope, so why do I feel like hope is so deadly…

Jesus came to give life, so why am I constantly yearning for the after-life…

Jesus came to heal, so why do I feel like I’m still cut open on the floor bleeding…

If love is the most important thing there is, why is it so absent…

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions. I’m not perfect. I don’t have it all together. Half the time I don’t know where I’m going in life, and none of the time do I know how to get there. You could call me a mess, but maybe I’m just one of those rare people being honest.  

Truth is we can let the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness rule our lives, or we can choose to live in spite of it. For me, it’s constantly forcing myself to be social and try to do things with other people, even though I may not know these people very well or at all. We need to be with other living, breathing human beings. We need community, companionship. For me it also means, if I don’t have that option, to know it’s okay to have fun on my own…to go see a movie by myself, or a comedy show, or a concert, or go out to eat by myself. It’s learning to be okay by myself.

And really…I’m not actually ever alone, am I? I have a Father who is available at all hours of the day. A Father who wants to talk, laugh, and experience life with me. Maybe I need to learn to enjoy His company more as well. Maybe He’s trying to teach me that in the midst of a broken world, there IS something I can count on, someONE I can count on… Yeah, just maybe…

“I’m done letting you drag my heart around…I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m tellin’ myself I’ll be okay, even on my weakest days.

I get a little bit stronger, I get a little bit stronger.”

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Categories: Spirituality and Faith | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “I’ll be okay even on my weakest days

  1. that is so cute

    Like

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