“Waiting for the sunrise. Waiting for the day. Waiting for a sign that I’m where You want me to be. You know my heart is heavy and my hurt is deep.” -Lift Me Up by The Afters
Sometimes I feel like I am walking a fine line. A line between hope and pain, love and fear, faith and doubt, value and insignificance, wings and cages.
As someone left carrying remnants of borderline personality disorder, having banished the most profound symptoms, but carrying the weight of those invisible in the deep recesses of my heart, it can be hard to hold a memory of past emotions. Intellectually I know there were times where I didn’t feel this alone or this lost, but all I can FEEL is now. This moment. And it seems as if this is all there is, which of course, Satan would like me to believe as reality. He likes to tell me I’m in a dark tunnel, and then plant himself in the way of the exit, so instead of seeing that light there, all I can focus on is the outline of his horns and tail.
Today I had this thought ruminate through my mind, never really leaving: Will there ever be a time where life doesn’t feel like a daily struggle? Will there ever be a time where I can just sit back and enjoy the ride? …. and I don’t mean it’s all doom and gloom now, of course, there are days, moments, where I can just laugh and enjoy being with friends and company, or good conversation, or the presence of my dogs and horses, but it feels like borrowed time. Like I have a day, or even a week or two, where life couldn’t get any better…but it feels like I’m running ahead with a rubberband attached to my waist and any second I’ll stretch to its limit and be flung back down to Earth. Each time this happens, the impact becomes an oxymoron. I’ll be more numb than before, because I’ve already experienced this and I saw it coming anyway….and yet, it’ll hurt in new and more awful ways than before because of the tender bruising and brokenness that never got a chance to fully recover.
I guess it’s a compliment that Satan won’t leave me alone, that he has such a special hatred for my heart, but in the midst of a war, it doesn’t seem to offer much comfort.
Supposedly all it takes to be happy in life is three things: “Something to do, Someone to love, and Something to look forward to.” I’m still waiting for the three to offer an invitation all at once. In the meantime, I’ll continue to walk my line. The line between peace and chaos, light and dark, life and death. The worst part of it is, it is a line deep within that only I can see. No one else can push me off. And if I lose my balance, there is no one there to catch me.
…of this world at least.
“But when I feel like giving up, you’re reminding me, that we all fall down sometimes. When I hit the ground, You lift me up when I am weak, Your arms wrap around me, Your love catches me so I’m letting go..” -Lift Me Up by The Afters